Good, clean fun

Conspire alum Lauren Johnson continues her series on incarceration, addiction and life in general.

In the beginning, drugs were fun. It began for me, as it often does for many, with recreational usage. Weekend warriors. The first “ hard” drug that I did was cocaine. My boyfriend at the time and I began buying a quarter of a gram. That amount, in the beginning, would last both of us all night – we would stay up playing cards and doing lines. We would talk all night about something that connected us. Within about a year’s time, it progressed from that quarter gram lasting the two of us all night, to me snorting 1 gram and 3 quarters by myself. You don’t want the fun to end.

I remember a commercial that I think came out around that time. There was a guy, walking in circles talking. His words were: “ I do cocaine, so I can work more, so I can make more money, so I can buy more coke, so I can work more, so I can make more money, so I can buy more coke….. Then there was another commercial which had a nose that covered the screen and inhaled things like a t.v., a car, a boat, and a plane. To the average Joe that doesn’t know, that may seem extreme. But anyone who has used cocaine, or a drug like it for any amount of time knows that the amount of money spent can easily add up very quickly.

So after staying up for the weekend and having fun, it becomes necessary to continue use to make it to work or in my case, school. I would realize that it was getting out of hand and take measures to control my usage or quit for a while. One of the problems is that you begin to associate “having fun” with usage of some sort so that when a special occasion like the weekend rolls around and you find yourself bored or wanting to have some fun, the next logical step is to find a substance. Similar patterns of use can be found with most addictive substances.

One of the reasons that what Conspire Theatre does is so important, is that whether or not they know it, these women are learning how to have fun. Good, clean fun! I have recently had a lot of full circle moments lately. This time last year I was sitting in the Travis County Correctional Complex anxiously awaiting a release that wouldn’t come for 7 more months. Once a week Conspire Theatre would come out and spend some time with us as a part of our regularly scheduled programming.

My first time meeting Kat, I wasn’t sure what to expect from her class. I am determined to give whatever I am doing 100%. When she introduced herself and spent a moment telling us about who she was and why she does it, I wasn’t really sure how the hour would play out. Even in the PRIDE program there are women that don’t always want to let their guard down and participate. I was pleasantly surprised to see everyone getting involved. Kat has a gift for creating a space, even in the jail, where people feel comfortable and safe letting go. Until you have seen her in action, it may be hard to imagine such simple concepts being so much fun. The exercises she does with the groups aren’t complicated but it opens up a place inside of the participants that makes them willing to explore with her. Destination: good time! Additionally, there are underlying purposes to each activity. At the end of each segment there is usually a discussion that follows about what everyone thinks the purpose was. The answer can be different for each person and still be correct because whatever each person takes from the exercise, is not wrong. It is just their own experience.

Kat held her second outside workshop this past weekend. She has named it Inside Out. I attended and, as always, had a great time. I suppose it would be possible to come in to her workshop and hold on to baggage from life – I just can’t imagine how. I was grateful that childcare was provided because 2 hours of free child care is almost worth going anywhere . My four year old who is in his 4^th week of pre-k, still has hardly spoken to his teacher in school. The ladies that provided the childcare that day said they found the trick to sending his shyness packing. All it took was a little game of duck duck goose!

So for two hours we talked, we played, we laughed, and we were just plain silly. There was no bad feeling afterward, no hangover, no exhaustion. No anxiety, or worries about some insane amount of money being spent on a fleeting good time. No fighting or upset friends or family to contend with over something crazy done that I may or may not have a vivid recollection of. Just two hours to be a part of something fun. When I left, I didn’t have to go back to a bunk. I got to load up my kids in the car and run some errands and go home. But I can still look forward to next time that will remain the same inside of my full circle moment!

-Lauren Johnson

Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places…

Conspire alum Lauren Johnson continues her series on incarceration, recovery and life in general. 

Over the years, one of the points that have been made almost as many times as it has been ignored, is that relationships are the number one cause of relapse for people in recovery from addiction. Unless you are married, you are usually encouraged to end relationships that you were in during the addiction, or to have all parties treated. As the partner of an addict, you also tend to suffer from your own form of sickness in the day to day dealings of living in that unhealthy lifestyle. That is why close friends and family members of addicts are encouraged to attend Al-Anon. Since codependency is frequently a dual diagnosis of addicted persons, then it stands to reason that there are other people involved. It is impossible to be co-dependent alone

Initially when I thought of codependency, I imagined someone who was clingy and needed to be with someone in order to feel complete. I have come to learn that it encompasses so much more than that. People who feel compelled to be a caretaker, people who are people-pleasers, and those who try to control and coordinate those around themselves can also fall into this category.

Single people who attend AA/NA are instructed to stay out of a relationship for the first year of sobriety. This serves multiple and equally important purposes. First, it gives the addict time to focus on his or her recovery. Relationships are a huge distraction from that, and can sometimes replace the drugs as a different form of addiction. It gives him or her time to learn who s/he is without the use of substances, and the chance to realize what s/he wants out of life before adding someone else into the equation . AA/NA also instructs the addict to get a plant and care for the plant for one year; if the plant is still alive at the end of that year, then s/he can begin dating. It sounds funny, right? But you would be surprised at how on target they are in their reasoning. I have watched as countless numbers of participants decide to make their own rules for recovery and fail. I have seen the rule played out in real life and do you know what?

Relationships ARE the number one cause of relapse! I have watched countless people illustrate this in their own lives. I have seen women with children and husbands waiting for them at home get kicked out of a program for being in an unhealthy relationship with another woman in treatment. I have seen people abscond from the halfway house and lose their freedom as well as sobriety. In most cases the stay at a halfway house is 3-6 months. If you can’t delay the gratification for that short time span, then it is a problem. I know of a lady who met a guy at the halfway house, they dated secretly for a month or two, and just as they were being released back into the community, someone reported them. It just so happens that it is not only against the rules of the halfway houses, but a condition of parole that the parolee not associate with anyone else who is, or has been on probation or parole. So in order to prevent getting in trouble they went and got married. They had both begun drinking alcohol upon their release from the halfway house and within a month were back to heroin and cocaine use.

In my own personal experience I have never been in any kind of relationship with a woman other than friendship. I have watched while women who would normally not entertain the idea of being with another woman do so in an incarcerated environment. Love and belonging is a basic need for everyone. But we have all heard the song : “Looking for love in all the wrong places”? Well that should be the TDCJ theme song.

In TDCJ my job was “peer educator”, in this job we taught two classes to all of the incoming women to the unit. The first class was health, where we taught about STI’s, HIV, and general women’s health issues. The second class that we taught was called SAFE PRISONS. In 2003 the Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA) was passed and while rape itself is not as prominent in a women’s prison, it can still happen. We covered a variety of topics in this class and put on some dramatic skits to illustrate some of the different forms of harassment that can occur and discussed how to avoid them. To my amazement, I watched scenes similar to the skits play themselves out before my eyes, including the consequences of the acts themselves. Even in jail where people are clean and sober, relationships seem to be one of the main causes for problems but knowing that isn’t always enough to prevent it. When I would talk with the women there I would tell them whether they were gay or straight, that prison is not the place to get into a relationship. Similarly if a person can’t wait that relatively short time in sobriety there are going to be problems.

In the real world, jealousy is an issue that comes up for many couples regardless of sexual orientation.. In an environment where everyone is a woman, it makes it difficult for a woman to be in a relationship and still have friendships. The potential of it turning into a relationship is bigger, which increases the potential for jealous and violent acts. Any relationship that leaves one or both parties isolated is not healthy. But again, what drives these relationships is not so much the need for love and belonging, as it is the need for distraction.

James Redfield wrote a book called The Celestine Prophecy. In this book was an example of one of the best ways I have heard jealousy, control and codependency in relationships explained.

This specific “insight” as it was called, had you imagine people as a half of a circle. We have all heard the line “you complete me”? The book talked about how in the beginning of a relationship two people meet and the exchange of energy between them going back and forth is fulfilling to both sides. Like connecting two halves of a circle to make a whole. It is give and take and gives a false sense of completion with the other person. Then as time goes on it becomes a power struggle because now someone has to drive the circle. We need to be complete before getting involved with someone. We should compliment, not complete each other.

I can’t stress enough that these two areas of life, in the first year of exploring sobriety in the real world, and the time someone spends behind bars, are the worst time anyone could choose to look for love. Too many people rob themselves of an opportunity for growth with that distraction.

-Lauren Johnson

Inside Out – Tomorrow

Remember remember – our first Inside Out Community Workshop happens tomorrow, 10 am – noon at Servant Church at Asbury United Methodist Church.  1605 East 38th 1/2 Street, Austin, TX 78722-1505.  Use the brown wooden door with the cross window located on Cherrywood.  It’s going to be great!

Our theme tomorrow is Community – what’s your ideal community?  What should the Conspire community be?

Child care and snacks provided.  ALL women welcome.

-Kat Craft

 

Cause and Effect

Conspire alum Lauren Johnson continues her series about incarceration, social justice and the world in general.

Last week, I found myself entrenched in a marathon of Primetime on OWN. I couldn’t look away, couldn’t change the channel, couldn’t stop crying, and couldn’t stop thinking of all the ways that this world needs help. There are so many worthwhile causes out there. So many needs. Trying to pinpoint one to devote some time, money or energy to is an overwhelming thought. It’s easier to look away and be oblivious to the need rather than doing something about it.

As I watched the stories unfold about the lives of inner city, impoverished children – some with drug and alcohol addicted families and most with hardships at every turn – they immediately impacted me. The area they focused the stories on is a place called Camden. This is a place where the majority of people are living below the national poverty level and where seeing and hearing people get killed in the streets is a daily occurrence. This is not a war zone in another country, this is right here in America, just miles away from a place that was once considered the best place to live in America. 

Primetime chronicled the stories over periods of years and went back to revisit these “characters” and I sobbed as I watched little children filled with hope for the future and determination to overcome their circumstances turn into hardened, defeated victims of those circumstances. It is heartbreaking to watch, even more so to think that this happens every single day all over the world. Yes, we all have choices, and it is easy to shake our head and point our finger at an adult who made the wrong ones. As I watched, I imagined what the future would hold for these children. We do all have choices, but not everyone has opportunities.

My children entered the room as I was watching. They saw the tears in my eyes. They had questions.

Thankfully, they haven’t experienced the types of hardships that were happening on our television set so it is hard for them to grasp that this could be a reality for anyone. I had them sit down with me to watch some of this show as I explained to them how blessed they are to have food to eat and clothes to wear, and how everything past that is a huge luxury. A few days after watching the show, I was taking my 7 year old to football practice. I had stopped at the convenience store and got a couple of packages of candy as a treat for the both of us. We shared the first one, and then came to a stop light where someone held a sign asking for help. My son read the sign and asked if we could give the gentleman the other package of candy. It wasn’t much, but it was something at least, so we did.

As a mother I want my children to have the things that I did not have growing up; that’s a normal desire for a parent. However, more than that I want them to value what they do have. I think in order for that to happen, it is necessary for them to do without. What can I do? Where do we begin to tackle all of the never ending problems that plague our nation?

I have started in my home, and am branching out from there. I may not have a lot of money, or even at this point in my life a lot of time to devote to fixing the world. I know that by starting with me I can make some ripples that will have an impact later on down the line . This works both ways though. Funny, I recently read an article of a man ranting about cause and effect. Speaking about a misplaced compassion for people in jail when that compassion would be better spent on the victims. It is my personal belief that compassion is never misplaced.

Even though I have been to jail and prison, and it was not fun or something I would want anyone to have to endure, I do think that sometimes it is necessary. Forgiveness and love are important but they do not mean that there are no consequences for what we do. But how much more could we accomplish if instead of locking someone away and taking time out of their lives, if we made it count for something, if we filled that time in their lives teaching them and reaching them?

To get back to my original question – what can we do? – I think that we can start small and go from there. Staying aware and keeping our eyes open for even little ways that we can help others in our daily lives. Maybe the smile or kind word that you give someone today can make a difference. If we keep our eyes open for the opportunities that present themselves then we start seeing them in front of us all the time. If we can take a moment to step outside of ourselves to be thankful for the littlest things that we take for granted in our everyday life then that is just one more thing that will help us to see areas that we can help. I try to take a moment to be thankful that I have healthy children, that I can breathe and see and walk, that I am able to go to the grocery store and buy the butter I need at the last minute to make dinner, that I am able to do something small every day that is making the ripple in the pond. By having that attitude of gratitude and looking for the opportunities to be a positive force in the world, we can change it, a little at a time!

-Lauren Johnson

Hurrah for Folders!

About two months ago, I sent Carolina Pad this email:

Dear Carolina Pad,

I teach a weekly theatre and creative writing class to incarcerated women at the Travis County jail.  When I first started the program, I was scared about entering the jail, scared about teaching, and plain scared that the women would want nothing to do with me.  I decided to bring a gift with me – something they could keep their writings in.  I went to Wal-Mart and started looking at folders.  I wanted something fun and colorful to take and voila!  I spotted the Hot Chocolate line.  That first class, I took a stack in to the women’s dorm, where they all eyed me suspiciously.  I told them I had brought them something and produced the folders.  It was like a magician’s trick – the women ooohed and aaaahed, smiled and made eye contact. 

“These are so pretty,” they all said,  “We don’t get anything colorful like this in here.”

Since that first class, I have used Hot Chocolate folders as often as I can.  These folders have become an integral part of our program, which is why, two years later, I’m submitting a donation request.  We teach a theatre class, but it’s about so much more than role playing.  We work with women who have histories of repeated sexual abuse, domestic violence and life-long trauma.  Many are incarcerated for substance addiction problems who have a hard time seeing an alternate path for their lives.  We work with games, stories, poetry and movement to build teamwork and communication skills, and to open women’s eyes to different ways of living. 

I often feel like the beautiful folders that we hand out are our foot in the door, our first gesture to explain what we’re there to do.  Every time a new teacher begins to work with us, she’s always surprised by the impact such a simple thing can have. 

Thanks so much! 

Last night,  I came home to a HUGE stack of boxes by my front door – they donated 300 folders to our program!  I’m so excited; I’ve been buying folders mostly out of my own pocket for the past 2 years so to have a huge stack that I can use over the next year or two is such a boon to me and to Conspire.  Thanks, Carolina Pad!

-Kat Craft

Problems and Solutions

Lauren Johnson, an alum of Conspire Theatre, continues her weekly series with an examination of the stigma of carrying a drug-related felony. 

When I was younger I wanted to be a nurse or doctor. Once I had a felony conviction on my record, especially since it was a drug conviction, I knew that the chances of that happening were slim to none. I understand the reasoning behind that. Although I did check into it and there are no rules specifically excluding me from getting a nursing license, there are also no guarantees. For a very long time, I felt such a stigma associated with the label that comes with my criminal history that it never occurred to me to question the fairness of it. Searching for a job is already such a tedious task and add to it the thoughtfulness that you have to put into the plethora of possible questions related to criminal history and it becomes very overwhelming.

Yesterday, a status showed up on my Facebook page for a story KVUE reporter Keli Rabon had done for their “Defenders” series. The title of the investigative report: Sex Offenders and the City. The teaser for the story included a line that said “So how did people with criminal histories end up on the City of Austin payroll?” I was immediately furious. I don’t understand why people with criminal histories having employment with the city is something worthy of a “Defenders” investigative report. I think if they lied on the application then, yes maybe there should be consequences for that. The fact that the city has hired felons is only news worthy if they are getting a commendation for it. I say give all the criminals jobs! That is a fabulous idea! I am pleased to note that there were several comments left aside from mine voicing a similar opinion on the same points.

In 2008 the city council voted to remove the criminal history question from job applications. That was a small victory that allowed people like me to get our feet in the door and at least make it into an interview before being judged. However some positions still require a criminal background check, and understandably so. I do think that criminal histories should be like a credit report, give me 7 years to prove I can be a law abiding citizen and then let it go and allow me the opportunity to have bigger dreams, and a reality where I can achieve them.

In 1996 the laws changed so that anyone that received a felony drug conviction after 1996, could NEVER receive public assistance resources such as TANF and food stamps. Again, the stigma of my label prevented me from questioning this policy until I was writing a college paper on the obstacles felons face. I read something about this policy that mentioned how it discriminated against people with a drug problem and not someone that committed murder or any other felony. That really rubbed me the wrong way. It is wrong on so many levels. I understand the well meaning ideas behind passing this law, but it is deeply flawed. If we are going to discriminate then why not do it across the board for all convicted felons? Obviously that isn’t what I would want. I think the law is not inherently bad, but place a time limit on it. Also, even though not everyone one who gets arrested gets arrested for a drug related offense, doesn’t mean they don’t use , it just means that isn’t what they were caught for. My experience is that the majority of people who are incarcerated have used or abused drugs and alcohol.

I have had to apply for food stamps a couple of times while my husband was in between jobs, which may surprise you since I have shared with you that we both have felony drug convictions on our record, but this is just another example of just how flawed this law is. I can go into the Department of Health and Human Services and, provided that we meet the other eligibility guidelines such as income, then we can get benefits for our children. So they don’t trust me to have a card with benefits on it for myself, but since my children are minors they hand me a card with benefits on it for them. ( Don’t tell them this, but I eat the food that those benefits buy too, shh!) Each of the times that I have found myself in those offices I get irate about the insanity of it all. It wasn’t until recently that I decided to put that to use.

I am now a registered voter (once you are off of parole and probation you are again allowed to vote) and while I typically don’t have much faith in our elected officials, I now understand that they are more likely to listen to what I have to say if I am a voting citizen. So I made some phone calls to several different Senators’ offices. I had to leave messages, and think that it is important to note that only one office called me back. Senator Watson’s office called me back and gave me information about an upcoming meeting where Michelle Alexander, author of the book The New Jim Crow will be speaking. I intend to attend this event so that I can get plugged in with people who are already working towards changing these things. I realize that in all probability most of the people there will be coming at these issues from a different angle, that being one of racial discrimination, but that is of no consequence to me. Discrimination is discrimination! The staffer that sent me the information was very excited to speak to me and sounded very sincere when she instructed me to call her office back with any ideas that I came up with so that we could move forward from there. I know that things won’t change overnight, but I intend to get up and do something towards the solution instead of sitting around and complaining about it. I will not be part of the problem any more!

-Lauren Johnson

Workshops in the Community!

Conspire Theatre is stepping out of the jail and into the community! We’re so excited to expand our programming in order to lead monthly theatre workshops with women in the Austin community. Any and all interested women are welcome. You do NOT have to have any experience in theatre to attend.

WHO: Conspire Theatre! Kat Craft and Michelle Dahlenburg, to be precise.

WHAT: a fun workshop full of low-pressure games, exercises and activities to get your creative juices flowing.

WHEN: Saturday, Sept. 17th from 10 am – noon.  The third Saturday of every month (except October! October’s a tricky month.) from 10am – noon.

WHERE: Servant Church at Asbury United Methodist Church in Cherrywood, in the Fellowship Hall. Please use the Servant Church entrance on Cherrywood Rd – it’s a brown wooden door with a cross window and the Servant Church sign out front.

PARKING: There is a parking lot – the ENTRANCE is on 38 1/2 St. It’s a driveway with an arrow painted on it. The EXIT is on Cherrywood Rd. If for some reason the parking lot is full, you can also park on the street.

CHILD CARE: Yes, we will provide free child care in a separate nursery room in the church. We’ll ask that you sign a liability waiver upon arrival. If you’re planning on bringing children, please email us at conspiretheatre@gmail.com so we can have a head count and age range.

COST: $3 suggested donation to help us cover the cost of the space. No one will be turned away and we’ll be real chill about the whole thing. More is appreciated, less is understood.

See you soon!

Special thanks to Pastor Eric Vogt of Servant Church and to Asbury UMC for making their space available. 

4 donors to go!

We have 16 hours left and we need 4 new donors to reach our goal of 75 donors.  The fact that we have 71 is amazing!  Thank you, everyone!  Say it with me now: 4 to go!  4 to go!  4 to go!

Donate away!