Ms. Disengaged

At our last community workshop (October 19th), we led a workshop based on one that Fiona MacBeth from the University of Exeter led with us, which was in turn based on exercises from the book From Violence to Resilience, which collects techniques used by Leap Confronting Conflict, which specializes in youth and conflict.  See what a twisty road our exercises take to find us?  This is one of the many aspects about Applied Drama that I love – we beg and borrow from other practitioners in order to make our own practice as effective and great as possible.  We all share our best games and activities in order to make the entire field stronger.

Anyway, Michelle and I decided to lead the “Acts” portion of the workshop.  According to the book, an “Act” is a front, attitude or mask that you put on when you don’t want someone else to know what you’re feeling or thinking.  I’m not going to go into too much detail about the actual process here, but we discussed Acts and gave them names; I’m going to talk about Ms. Disengagement.  We discussed how people are so glued to their phones now that you see people everywhere just looking at little screens, and completely tuning out everything around them.  When we created an image for Ms. Disengagement, it was three people in a little triangle with their backs to each other, all looking at their phones.

We put these concepts into our bodies to gain a different perspective on them.  When we talked about Ms. Disengagement, I thought, “That’s probably me some of the time.”  When I actually put my body into that pose – head down, shoulders over, phone held up to my face, weight over one hip – I realized, “Oh shit, that’s me like, a lot of the time.”  As the facilitator, I don’t always have much time to explore my own insights during a workshop so it was interesting to have that moment.  I spend quite a bit of time in public by myself (riding the bus, walking around downtown, working in coffeeshops) so pulling out my phone has become habitual to shield myself from other people.  On the one hand, it makes me feel safer at times.  On the other, it keeps me from noticing the world around me and connecting with other people.

Those costs and gains of an Act became part of the discussion and we made images about them as well.  What does the Jokester gain and lose from being the class clown?  Does the Critic really have any friends?  Why does the Dodger need to duck away from conflict?

Since the workshop, I’ve been making a conscious effort to keep my phone in my bag and not whip it out every time there’s a tiny lull in my day.  We always talk about how transformational theatre can be but when I’m watching other people have “aha!” moments, it can still be very hard to believe that they’ll follow through with them or that I can actually make a difference with theatre.  When I have these moments myself, however small, it reminds me once again how powerful this work can be.

-Kat Craft

Gotta find the groove.

Everything ebbs and flows, and I’m in an ebb place with one of our classes right now. I can’t seem to get into the groove with our PRIDE class. The group is small, low-energy and while there are wonderful women in there, I think I’m missing several key players we had in class over the summer. No obvious leaders have emerged in the current group so I feel like I need to exert more energy to keep the class going. Like we don’t quite have a gelled community yet, but a group of random women kind of bumping against each other. So let’s go back to community, I guess – let’s get back to teambuilding and group bonding and looking at how we all fit together.

Less sitting is important – I know that.

We’ve been doing more writing in that class, which means more sitting and sharing which means everyone’s energy slowing draining into their seats. I want them to share their writing but it can also feel like a huge time suck and like half the class sort of wanders off into their heads. If anyone has any ideas about better ways to share, pass ‘em on.

We did share writings in the PEACE class in an interesting way. Instead of sitting and reading, we split the class into 2 groups and asked them to pick their favorite lines from their pieces and create a group performance piece from it. It was fun and difficult – my group had a hard time working together but it was good to let them feel that frustration and work through it. It can be difficult for me to know when to lead and when to step back and let them do it all on their own. I think I led a little too much today but I also felt like the group wasn’t going to move forward at all without a little facilitating. Maybe I need to step back and let them work it out… this is a good lesson for me in terms of following one of our Pillars: Life and Leadership Skills. I need to remember that part of cultivating those is stepping out of the way.

The two pieces were so interesting – Michelle’s group had an almost For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf feel while mine was sillier and structured more like a debate or a political rally. One woman in the PEACE class has been wondering when we’re going to get to the “real” acting, so I think she was happy that today felt more like a performance class.

At the end, in our “say one word for your feeling at the end of class” circle, one woman told us how thankful she is that we come teach this class and offer them a space to be creative and to explore their dreams. There is some formidable talent in that room, so I’m interested to see what other pieces will emerge.

-Kat Craft

The beginning of the end.

Conspire alum and newest board member Lauren Johnson continues her guest post series about incarceration, addiction and life in general.

The first time that I recognized that drugs were becoming a problem for me, I was in my teens. The drug at the time was cocaine and I was spending a lot of money on it. I was a trustworthy user, and it wasn’t something I compromised my integrity over for a long time. I didn’t steal, lie or hustle for the drugs I did. I worked hard and paid for them. Sometimes I would get “fronts” which is essentially credit from the dealer. When I noticed what a recurring cycle it was becoming, I would make attempts to stop for a while and then get pulled back into it within a period of time because I was doing the club scene, where it was prominent. My will power only went so far.

I had been with guys that shot up (IV drug use) but it never really interested me. One guy, who I dated for two years, always told me that if I ever did decide to try it, he wanted to be there. Towards the end of our relationship, I decided I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I told him I wanted to try it and after talking about it for a while he went ahead and mixed it up for me and injected me. At first, me being the bad ass I was, I said I didn’t feel anything. Then a second later I stood up and felt what can only be described as a whoosh. It was similar to the feeling you get inside from a roller coaster ride. Then, an almost orgasmic sensation. I could see immediately how this could become a problem. The boyfriend and I went to a hike and bike trail with the dog and when we returned he asked me if I wanted to do it again. I said no. When he asked me why I told him that I liked it too much to do it again. Fearful of what I would become if I did.

Fast forward about 5 years and two more relationships, one with another IV drug user. The one following was not and my year with him I had put on more weight than ever before. When the relationship ended I began using cocaine on a nearly daily basis with the goal of losing weight. The end of the relationship devastated me and there was definitely a feeling of emptiness that plagued me. It wasn’t until October of 1998 that things went so far out of hand that I didn’t know what to do.

I wound up going to school to get licensed as a nurses aid . During that time my aunt, who was having complications with her pregnancy, was in the hospital. I went to visit her and they were in the middle of moving her to another room, so I began to help transfer her things. Because of the classes I’d been taking. I was under the impression that the things in the old room could not be used, so I put some of the thermometers, band aids and syringes in my purse. When I got home I put them all in a cup where they sat for a couple of months. Then one day for no particular reason, I decided to try to shoot up. I wasn’t sure that I knew how, but I wanted to see if I could. Maybe that was the reason – I just wanted to know that I could. That was the beginning of the end.

I have a logical personality, but my own thoughts and feelings defied that logic. If someone else had told me they couldn’t stop themselves then I would have thought that was weak, stupid and nonsensical. Yet that is exactly how I felt. I would do things to try to keep myself from doing it again. I didn’t know you could buy syringes in single packs, so I would buy a whole box. Then after a night of drug use, filled with disgust for my actions, I would throw the box away thinking that would keep me from doing it again. Only to find myself going to any length to do it again. I tried moving to get a fresh start but no matter where you go, there you are. I didn’t tell anyone about what I was doing. Even the people who shot up too, I didn’t want to know. At one point I felt on the brink of being suicidal. I knew something had to give. I even called to find an NA meeting. I got there and listened to the people talking and someone there had said “I am here because I don’t want to use drugs”.

The thing was, I was there because I did want to use. I don’t know what I expected going in. Maybe I thought that if I went for one hour that I would hear some magic words that would help me stop. I didn’t feel any better when I left and didn’t think going back was going to cure me. Finally, I called a friend and told him what had been going on. He didn’t know how to help either but telling someone was a step in the right direction.

I was recently asked the question, what method worked best for me to gain sobriety, and stay there? I have mentioned before that it is a process, journey if you will. I don’t think any one thing can take the credit. There are several factors that played key parts in my sobriety. The one thing that I do tell a lot of people that want to stay sober is that as much as you are working on NOT doing drugs you need to find something that you want MORE than drugs. Not moving away from something, but toward something was a key element for me. Having goals to focus on instead of looking behind me at what I am moving away from. The principals of AA/NA which can be found here in more detail(http://www.nawol.org/2008_12princ.htm) are a really good foundation as well. Out of those I think that honesty may be the most important in my life. I have found that the reason for relapse for me, was centered around being dishonest. I was dishonest with myself, and those around me. I have found that being honest and not allowing secrets to hold any power over my life has freed me. I find that the more time that I put between myself and using the easier it becomes not to. I do know that it only takes one time to be right back where I left off at. On the rare occasion when the urge does come I just remind myself of everything that I have to lose. I remember that it isn’t all euphoria and good times. I get honest with myself about where this will lead me and choose to continue on a different path.

-Lauren Johnson

Inner View and Workshop Reminder

You can listen to Executive Director Katherine Craft and Conspire alumn and newest board member Lauren Johnson being interviewed online!  Click here to go to the direct audio file and here to check out the blog post and file.  Thanks to Abigail Mahnke for being a great host and asking some interesting questions.  I always feel like I’m stumbling around on these things, so I was grateful for her pointed questions and clarifications.

And of course, our Inside Out Community Workshop is still happening tomorrow morning from 10am – noon, complete with free childcare and breakfast.  I just called in our order to Einstein’s, so there will be bagels and coffee to wake you up.  Michelle and I will be leading a workshop based on British practitioner Fiona MacBeth’s excellent “Acts” curriculum, in which we’ll explore the fronts and facades that people put up in their daily lives.  I’ve been a participant in the workshop itself and really enjoyed it.  ALL Austin area women welcome.  We hope to see you there!

Servant Church at United Asbury Church
1605 E. 38th St. (on the corner of 38th and Cherrywood, just east of I35)
Use the brown wooden door with cross window on Cherrywood.

-Kat Craft

Inside Out happens this Saturday!

Just a gentle reminder that our second community workshop is happening this Saturday, from 10 am to noon at Servant Church (which is in the Asbury United Methodist Church) at 1605 E. 38th st (the corner of 38th and Cherrywood).

ALL Austin area women welcome!  We will be playing games and participating in fun theatre-based activities.  No experience necessary.  Breakfast and childcare provided.  Please RSVP to our Facebook page or conspiretheatre@gmail.com, especially if you need childcare.

See you there!
Kat Craft

Inside Out Community Workshop Saturday, Oct. 22nd

Several great pieces of news!

Bread for the Journey has donated $1,000 to support our Inside Out community workshop series!  We had a lovely meeting with them last night and they were so excited about our project.  Our next workshop is Saturday, October 22nd from 10 am to noon at Asbury United Methodist Church at 38 1/2 St. and Cherrywood.  ALL Austin women welcome.  Go to our Facebook event page for more details.

The Project Management Class in Web Design and Interactive Media at the Art Institute of Austin is going to build us a new website!  For free!  Michelle and Kat went up to Round Rock yesterday to discuss ideas and teach the class to play zip, zap, boing.  I love how these games are fun for everyone.  We can talk and talk and talk about what we do, but it’s so much more satisfying to just do it.  We’ll meet with them before Thanksgiving to see what they’ve come up with.  I can’t wait to have a professional, creative website made by people who know what they’re doing!

We’re also in the beginning stages of incorporation.  We’re gathering board members, writing bylaws and doing all of the budgetary paperwork necessary to gain our own 501c3 status.  By this time next year, we hope to be an independent organization!  There’s all sorts of growth and changes in the works around here.

-Kat Craft

 

 

 

Small room, big emotions

More thoughts on our new class for women in maximum security:

1. Gosh, that room is small. It’s still better than working in the dorms (like I did two years ago), where the women can leave the class and get into bed if they want but it’s still small. The women in PEACE have lots of pent-up energy, and it feels almost explosive in that room. Not in a dangerous way, just in a surprising and hard-to-channel kind of way. 13 of us in that room today, and we all faced some challenges. On the way home, Michelle said, “I wish we could take them all to a farm somewhere – with fresh air and space. I bet that would help.” It certainly would! No farm in our future, though, so we make do.

2. We brought in our agreements, which we discussed last class – now we have to somehow build the group’s maturity enough so we can all adhere to them. By “maturity”, I mean the kind of group intelligence that emerges when a class gets to know each other and starts working towards common goals. Last class was the honeymoon, but the honeymoon’s already over and we’re facing a group of women who, while eager to participate and happy to be in our class, aren’t quite sure what our boundaries and expectations are yet. I haven’t had to incorporate much classroom management into my classes in a long time, but we need to bring that back. And I thought this would happen, because building the group and earning the buy-in takes time. We can’t expect respect merely because we show up. A lot of people show up – staff, officers, counselors; at this point we’re just two nice white ladies with a boombox. The women need something from us as facilitators that they can’t quite express, and we have to balance that with what we need for the class to actually function.
3. We did Humpty Dumpty with the PRIDE women today and it was so much fun! That exercise works so well for our classes at the jail. There were so many egg puns today (“He has a dozen kids! They live in a carton! His mom’s a chicken!”) and really fun characters. Michelle ran it and I got to play a haughty princess who wanted Humpty off her wall. The talk show was a hit as well, with one Humpty accusing his friend of pushing him off the wall. “You tried to push me off, but I roll. I roll!” A big contract exists between PRIDE and PEACE right now. We’ve been involved with PRIDE for so long that we have an established culture there and when new women arrive, they’re folded into that easily. We have to build that culture from the ground up with PEACE.
4. We need to find games that get all that madness out, that let the PEACE women release some of that pent up energy before we move into calmer, more focused tasks. Michelle and I will be thinking about that this week, for sure. We did see some really amazing things in that class – I have never seen a class at the jail catch on to Zip, Zap, Boing so fast. Usually, when I add the Zap, the whole game falls apart but they were going at such high speed that I almost couldn’t keep up. When someone messed up, everyone went with it and kept the energy and the game going. It was really delightful to see.
5. So we’ve got challenges – who doesn’t? We know that all of the women we work with face challenges that we may know about, but often don’t viscerally understand. As long as we can build towards a space where they can feel safe and respected, I’ll know we’re heading in the right direction.

-Katherine Craft

Roadblocks to Recovery

Lauren Johnson continues her guest posts about incarceration, recovery and life in general.  She interviewed one of her former substance abuse counselors for this latest installment. 

Sadly, relapse and recidivism are more of a rule than an exception. I like the people out there working to change that to have the chance to see they are making a difference.

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak with a counselor that worked with me at the Austin Transition Center, which is a half way house near the Del Valle jail. He no longer works there but we have kept in contact over the years and he agreed to allow me to interview him. We will call him Jay, and Jay had some pretty keen insights! Jay also used to bring his guitar to the half way house to play and sing us music which was very cool, especially after being deprived from the joy of music for so long.

Jay graduated from Texas Tech with a Master’s degree in Counseling and a Bachelor’s in Psychology, which he did while dealing with dyslexia. So he has first hand experience with overcoming obstacles.

When I asked him what made him get into the field of helping addicts in recovery, he replied very honestly that it was all that was available at the time. He had a choice between working with addicts or with kids, and he wanted something that challenged him. In the beginning, he worked in a facility that was very similar to SAF-P and was strictly male clientele. I wanted to know what the biggest difference is in working with men as opposed to women and he told me that the biggest challenge when working with men instead of women is getting men to tap into their emotions. Understanding and expressing emotions is one of the keys to recovery. Women tend to over identify with their emotions and not understand on a cognitive level how they are swayed by them. Interestingly, it is statistically proven that when men and women are treated separately they have a higher success rate.

From Jay’s perspective, the biggest obstacle to recovery is self esteem, which can be impacted by negative thoughts and self-talk. Even an underlying, unstated belief of “ I am not worthwhile” or “ I can’t” can be the hardest things to overcome. If someone doesn’t think they are worthwhile, then they won’t put in the effort. Once a person begins to recognize their value in spite of what they have done or how they have been treated before then they can heal and grow.

Those words reminded me of a speaker I watched once. Les Brown, a much lauded motivational speaker, said something that has stuck with me. He pulled a twenty dollar bill out of his pocket. Then he asked the audience how much it was worth. Of course everyone responded; it was a simple enough question. He then took that bill and crumpled it up over and over in his hands and threw it on the ground. He asked the question again. How much was that bill worth? Still the answer is obvious. It is worth twenty dollars. He then took it and stomped on it and asked again. The answer was obvious; it was still worth twenty dollars. Then he asked why it was so obvious that we can see the value in that bill no matter what it has been through and have such a hard time seeing our own value. We can be crumbled, stomped on and mishandled but our value does not go down. That is a message that Jay spent a lot of time teaching his clients. It is also a message that he felt was important for society in general to know. That addicts are not immoral, ingrate animals. They are only doing the best they can with what they have. They still have value.

One time, Jay was at a store in the checkout line. A woman approached him, held out her hand and said, “Thank you”. At first he thought maybe she was a little coo coo but politely said, “You’re welcome”, and then asked her where he knew her from. She explained to him that although he had not been her counselor, he had been one of the counselors on staff and he said things that made a difference in her life. She went back to school and was about to graduate. She was going to be a licensed chemical dependency counselor (LCDC) and could be passing that legacy on to someone else. “That is the payday, that is what makes it worth it,” Jay said. His favorite part of the job was seeing the light bulb go on for someone. When it finally clicks for someone it is really cool! He is no longer working in that capacity now and when I asked if there was something about the job that made him leave, his answer was honest again. He was unable to make a living and pay for the degree that got him into the job. He is still out there making a difference in the world. He still plays the guitar and sings regularly, and sometimes he even gets paid for it!

-Lauren Johnson

 

Begin Again.

Three things.

1. The room for our new class in maximum security (PEACE) is the complete opposite of our classroom in the education building. In max, the room is small, with no natural light and no windows to the outside. The only windows look into the center of the building, where an officer sits and watches us (often smiling). It feels smaller than it is, because we filled it with energy, movement and laughter. It feels bigger than it is because we were able to accomplish so much in such a tiny space. Walking into our ‘usual’ classroom (where we hold PRIDE’s classes) felt like walking into the clearing of a forest. Wide open spaces and big picture windows with sunlight streaming through. It felt even bigger than normal today, and I wanted us to run around it and swing our arms every which way to take advantage.

2. The women in max (PEACE) were so happy to see us. I expected at least some resistance or a raised eyebrow here or there. Instead, they gave us smiles and a warm welcome.

“This is something different!” “This is fun! We want to have fun.” “We need a stress reliever.”

We focused on community building and getting to know each other. I can tell that these women are more cooped up – they snipe at each other a little bit more and I can’t quite tell where the line is with playful banter v. hurtful remarks. We’ll address it as we go – I let most of it slide today. I actually want to bring in some activities that are going to raise frustration levels so we can work on coping mechanisms. Shirene, our facilitator from the spring, is great at that. Maybe she’ll come back with her rubber chicken and poker face…

And they asked about homework! As in, “We want homework.” Really? Homework? I love it – just let me find fifteen of my favorite poems for you to read so we can discuss them and then practice our own poetry by writing similar pieces. I call on the power of Sandra Cisneros!

3.  Two classes require a greater amount of energy than one! Michelle and I were pooped. We finished with PEACE, ran up to PRIDE, taught a second class and then staggered out of the jail. Michelle’s used to this – she teaches two classes right in a row at Texas State but the experience of teaching one group of people, then turning around and delivering the exact same lesson plan half an hour later, is new to me. I’d gotten so good at remembering names recently – I feel like that might fly out the window.

And of course, the two groups are different. It will be interesting to see which activities work well with one and flop with the other, or which ones both love or both hate. I wish we had an outside evaluator who could take the time to really dig into best practices and what benefits the women the most. Someday, when the grants come pouring in.

A final thought – Michelle asked the great question in PEACE, “What can we do to help y’all? How can we make this a great class?” One woman said, “Keep showing up.” That hurt my heart a little. Who has not shown up for some of the women in our classes? Who in their lives has let them down? Who has withheld the support they need? Michelle and I can’t replace those people, of course, but we can show up, damnit. We can certainly do that.

-Kat Craft

The New Jim Crow

Conspire alum Lauren Johnson continues her guest blogging series on incarceration, the F word and life in general. 

On September 19^th, at Wesley United Methodist Church, the author and activist Michelle Alexander spoke to a full and diverse crowd about her recently published book, The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness. She made many good points that I haven’t considered, and I realized again the weight of the stigma I carry around with me. She stated that there was no one in the room that was not a criminal. That even if there were a few people who had never tried drugs at some point in their life, they were likely to be guilty of speeding up to 10 mph over the speed limit, which could cause more harm in the event of a wreck than someone smoking a joint in the privacy of their own home.

I believe that I am responsible for my life and actions and have a tendency of shutting out people who tell me otherwise. Balance is a theme that seems to be coming up for me frequently in my life these days and so maybe I need to find the balance in this area as well.

The story Ms. Alexander told us about her awakening grabbed me inside. She was working on the profiling issue before it had really been brought into national awareness. A special hotline put up a billboard asking people who believed that they had been targeted by profiling to call. One of the potential clients that responded looked to be the perfect poster child. He was well dressed, well educated, articulate, and looked to be the perfect young man to put on the stand, until she found out that he had a felony drug conviction. She was crestfallen and told him that she wouldn’t be able to help him. He became agitated and began to yell at her. He told her that she was just like everyone else – as soon as she heard the F (felony) word, she stopped hearing him. He tried to tell her that he had been set up and framed, but still she couldn’t use him. It just simply wasn’t how the system worked. His words rang in her mind for a while. He found her later and apologized for his outburst , but one morning, she opened the paper to find that the same police officer that the young man had named had been indicted for many instances of planting evidence and similar crimes.

Another topic that Ms. Alexander mentioned was that felons are not afforded the right to vote. I immediately started thinking that the statement was false since I am now a registered voter. As I listened further though, she made it clear that she was speaking of felons who were still incarcerated.

I have never considered that before. Apparently our society is one of the few that strips its criminals of that basic right. I wonder if the politicians would change their tune if the people who are incarcerated had a say.

Which brings us to another topic: the war on drugs was waged at a time when use was at an all time low. That politicians essentially caused what they were publicly denouncing. Both parties became engaged in a tough on crime policy that became a pissing contest with no thought for the consequences.

Our society as a whole has a tendency towards not viewing prisoners as people. The media sensationalizes things and creates a mindless bias in areas such as these. A quote from Malcolm X rings true and loud in my mind. The quote is ; “ If you are not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people that are doing the oppressing.” The media covers crimes on local and national levels and gets the community in an uproar. That becomes the popular viewpoint and there are few that want to go against the grain. I am not saying that some heinous acts are not committed. I am not saying that people shouldn’t be upset when they do. I am saying that we all need to find the balance. Anger and hate are very powerful emotions and need to be tempered with love and kindness.

I am still looking for the balance in my own life. I don’t often think of myself as oppressed since I feel that I am fully responsible for the circumstances that I have brought onto myself.

I went to this meeting to find out how I can do something to bring changes to our legal system. My first goal is to petition the government to stop discriminating against drug felons when it comes to much needed resources that other criminals are afforded. The issue of government assistance came up in the mention of the law that was written to end food benefits for those who had a felony drug conviction on or after 1996. At this meeting, I learned that many states opted out of this law, I’m contacting our state lawmakers to see how Texas can become one of those states. Ideally, I would like to have the law rescinded completely but I am willing to start here and branch out. This is the first battle that I am engaging myself in. My hopes are that this will give me a better idea of how to navigate the system and prepare me for the next one. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that our politicians aren’t inherently bad, sadly they are just playing the game the way it is set up. The game is definitely set up badly and we need to change the rules!

At the conclusion of the meeting we were encouraged to raise awareness about unacceptable practices occurring throughout the criminal justice system. To let our voices be heard, and let it be known that the people we are hurting are our friends, children, and parents. More than that, they are human beings.

I think it is important to give people coming out of prison a real chance to turn their lives around. The label of felon already cripples attempts for employment, so if someone returns to society with no support system, how can they build a new life for themselves? The food stamp law is just one way that we perpetuate the cycle. Once the debt is paid to society for the crimes committed why do we continue to charge interest on that debt?

-Lauren Johnson